Sermon: Yom Kippur / Kol Nidrei

“It Will Be What It Ought To Be”

Rabbi Gerald L. Zelizer

Metuchen 2009/577

Nine years ago I delivered a sermon criticizing the then most popular cliché – “whatever.” I’ve noticed that that term has receded in popularity. Maybe someone listened to my sermon! But, lo and behold, it has been replaced in our time by a different cliché. Recently, USA Today Newspaper identified this newer phrase as the number one cliché today.

You hear it from politicians; from business people; from sports figures; from us, from each of you to one another, from some of you to me. I hope not from me! That term? “It is what it is.”

You remember several years ago the infamous hunting accident by then V.P. Cheney? The White House Press Secretary under President Bush was badgered by the press on that event. After answering one question after another, the Press Secretary finally concluded “It is what it is.” In last year’s presidential campaign, Republican strategist Karl Rove was asked whether the long Democratic primary was good or bad for John McCain. Rove answered: “It is what it is.” The coach of a US hockey team, arriving at a competition in Europe was concerned about his travel worn players going up against a well rested Latvian squad. He said in a resigned tone “We are going to do the best that we can. It is what it is.”

No one knows exactly where the phrase started. Some say it goes back all the way to John Locke, the 17^th century philosopher who said “Essence may be taken for the very being of anything. It is what it is.” Of course, for a long time the Spanish language had a similar phrase, albeit in a different tense, “Que sera, sera.”

But let’s don’t talk about it’s usage out there. Let’s talk about its popularity right here. I asked a parent in the congregation why his son was not applying himself more seriously to his studies for Bar Mitzvah. The parents’ answer, “Rabbi, it is what it is.” I asked a middle aged woman of the longstanding tension with her sister – a tension I had tried to relieve through my counseling. The woman responded “Rabbi, it is what it is.” I asked a man if his internet friendship with another woman, a source of great irritation to his wife, had been broken off. “No Rabbi,” he answered, “It is what it is.”

In fancy linguistic terms, this phrase is called a “tautophrasal evasion” – which means: I am not spending anymore effort on this.! It ain’t gonna change; so get used to it!

What a terribly negative expression which is seriously damaging to relationships! Imagine if in serious situations, that was the answer you got. How would you like your doctor for example, to give you a serious diagnosis; Your question to your doctor is “What can we do about it?”; The doctor responds “It is what it is.” Or you have a major difference of opinion with your grown children. It goes on for months until it threatens a breach. Now you tell me which is better? To seek a conversation in which you each stop recriminations, but offer suggestions as to what might be done to improve the situation, or the end all, “give it up” phrase “It is what it is.” Or those of you who are younger and in a romantic relationship, but some serious obstacle occurs which threatens to break you up forever. What will happen if you tell your partner “It is what it is?”

Let me speak candidly about my own rabbinic service to you. Let me tell you how that phrase impacts in my role as your teacher of Torah and mitzvot. “It is what it is,” plays out as a kind of background elevator music in many situations, in this shul; the difficult dilemmas which I must respond to; dealing with the kind of questions and problems the classical rabbi of fifty years ago never heard. The rabbi of your grandparents and great-grandparents ruled on questions about what was kosher and what was trafe. A woman, for example, would bring an egg or even a chicken to the rabbi’s office and ask him if that egg or chicken was kosher or trafe. I must confess that in the decades I have served you, no one has ever brought a chicken or egg to my office. Rest assure, I am not complaining at missing that experience! But let me share with you some of the real live questions I do get.

1. “I don’t keep kosher all the rest of the year but we clean the house thoroughly for Passover. Should I still say Hamotzei over a sandwich on matzah during Pesach even if the meat is trafe?”

2. “We are cremating dad. That’s what he wanted. Would it be proper to cremate him with or without his tallit and tefillin. Should we mix in soil from Israel with the ashes before we scatter him?”

3. “Rabbi, my kids love to sing Birkat Hamazon out loud after eating a Big Mac. Is that okay?”

4. A Jewish woman is engaged to be married to a non Jewish male. They intend to keep a kosher home. She asks me for an aliyah and a Mesheberach on the eve of her wedding.

5. A family who forgot to buy challah on Friday asks me if it is okay to recite the Motzei on sour dough bread.

6. A family asks me if it is okay to sit shiva (seven) for shalosh (three).

So my dilemma as a rabbi hearing these real questions is “Should I settle for “It is what it is” and take these questions seriously as they are, or should I be agitated as a rabbi “This is not what it ought to be”? Should I try to upgrade the situation which may involve some delicate reprimanding of the questioner? My dilemma is “Should I work with reality as it is in my congregation and conclude “It is better than nothing,” “It is what it is,” or should I conclude that sometimes nothing is better than something? Maybe it is better not to dress dad in his tallit and teffilin if a cremation is to follow! Maybe it is better that children who love to sing Birkat Hamazon out loud not sing it after eating a Big Mac! Maybe it is better for a Jewish woman engaged to be married to a non Jew who intend to keep a kosher home not to have an aliyah or mesheberach on the eve of her wedding! Maybe if a family forgets to buy challah on Friday it’s better not to say Motzei than to recite Motzei over sourdough bread. “It is what it is,” is insufficient. “It will become what it ought to be” is more faithful to Judaism, more beneficial to our religion and you. I think that the answer is clear.

Let me illustrate that right answer with a remarkable and stunning example right from the Yom Kippur service we are to be praying for the next twenty-six hours. You can see this example on page 392 in your Mahzor. It repeats itself over six times in the service between today and tomorrow night. It is known as “The Covenant.” It is a verbatim quotation in the Mahzor from the Biblical Exodus 34:6-7 “Adonai,. Adonai El Rahum V’Hanu, Erech Apayim V’rav Hesed, V’nakeh” – “The Lord God is gracious and compassionate, patient, abounding in kindness and faithfulness, assuring love for a thousand generations, forgiving inequity, transgression and sin, and granting pardon.” The repetition of that Covenant on Yom Kippur of the ultimate graciousness and compassion and patience and assurance that God grants pardon. It eases us into the gut-wrenching confessional of the Ashamnu and Al Chet that is at the core of Yom Kippur. What is remarkable about that quote in the Mahzor from the Book of Exodus, 34:6-7, is that the Book of Exodus says exactly the opposite! The Book of Exodus says “v’nakeh, lo y’nakeh” – “God does not grant pardon, The Mahzor takes the Biblical phrase and transforms it by inserting a mysterious and huzzapadic period in the Hebrew phrase before the Biblical “v’nakeh, lo yehakeh” – “God does not grant pardon” and makes it instead “V’NAKEH” - “God does grant pardon.” Thank God!” or I should say “Thank the editors!” Who would want to begin our confessional by quoting accurately from Exodus that God does not grant pardon?

Why did the anonymous editors of our Mahzor, through the centuries, deliberately misquote the Book of Exodus and change the ultimate meaning of the service? Because, I would guess, they said intuitively, “We the editors have decided, that inspite of the Torah, we – the editors of prayers to be recited by generations of Jews will not settle. It will be what it ought to be! God surely must forgive and grant pardon for those who do Teshuvah “It ought to be that God does grant pardon.”

And what are the components of the Yom Kippur of these next twenty-six hours when we plead with God to accept our repentance? When the Al Chet and the Ashamnu really click what happens? Three things according to the halachah: “Harata” – contrition, “Vidui” – confession; and “Teshuvah” – that is not repeating the same action when faced with the identical situation. That doesn’t sound like “It is what it is” to me! It sounds like “It will be what it ought to be.”

I have asked myself, why the phrase “It is what it is” is so popular today. What does it reveal about our mind-set in life? Certainly, some evasion. “Its done and I want to go on.” But is evasion in human life situations valuable? Maybe sometimes. But more often than not, analysis of why and what can assist us to do better the next time.

Certainly, some defiance. “Don’t bother me anymore with that question because I don’t want to spend the effort thinking about it?” But defiance to a question may not shut off the other person; it may alienate that person from further conversation.

Maybe the phrase “It is what it is” indicates resignation too. “I give up. I accept the fates, so to speak.” But is resignation a Jewish view, a strategy born of our religious tradition? I think not. Even the Untaneh Tokef, perhaps resignation par excellence – to the decree, contains the phrase “ .” “Each person’s seals the decree with the actions of his hand.” We are not resigned to the decree. Our own hands will seal or not seal the decree.

There are and have been members of this shul who have demonstrated to me by their lives that they do not accept “It is what it is,” but “It will become what it ought to be.” Let me tell you about some of those people. A young woman from a non religious background who over many years, became seriously involved with a non Jew. That dating developed into romance, and the romance moved to the cusp of marriage. Suddenly she had an epiphany. She realized that she could not go through with marrying her Italian boyfriend. Why? She was hardly from a religious family. But she got a gut wrenching feeling that even though she loved this man, it could not be for all of her life. It seems that her own sister had married an Italian. Her sister was not religious either, but found that the experience of attending family gatherings with crosses on the wall was grating. When they had children, arguments ensued whether Brit Milah or Communion. This young woman’s grandmother was the most important religious influence on her life, virtually the only religious Jew in the family. When the grandmother died, this young woman asked her Orthodox friend if she could go to synagogue with her to say kaddish, since no one else would. She went and attending religious services for that kaddish time became the most important event in her week. One thing grew to another. As time developed she began to take Hebrew language courses. Finally she began to actively seek out a marriage with a Jewish man because she concluded that Judaism would be a serious unifying factor in a marriage. “It is what it is” became “It will be what it ought to be.” That woman had effected Teshuvah.

A second example. An older man with much experience in life came to our shul through the mergers of our congregations after many years attending services in his original shul. He had been reluctant to take on any roles in public religious life. But at an advanced age, after seeing others here, he decided to learn the skills of Torah reading. Now he accepts assignments. That situation was not “It is what it is,” but “It will be what it ought to be.” These are people who are not satisfied with “It is what it is.” They want to effect Teshuvah in the most profound way.

And did you read about how Congregation Neve Shalom collectively rejected “It is what it is.” Let me fill you in. When Sheri Rose and Seth Rubin approached the nursery school of our congregation about enrolling their son Max, who has cerebral palsy, they were not optimistic. The temple was simply not equipped to handle youngsters with that kind of disability. On a very basic level Max had trouble maneuvering the playground. The Nursery School Committee and our Board of Directors decided that “It is what it is” was not good enough. It will become what it ought to be is better. So in 2004 it redesigned its playground and deliberately put down a smoother surface and removed steps to accommodate Max. An aide was hired for Max and the local school district “jumped through hoops” to meet requirements necessary for the placement of a handicapped child. The congregation continues to provide him with his own aide. The school arranged for a physical therapist to come once a week and developed a program called “Stretching it to the Max,” in which all of his classmates – with Max leading the session – took therapy along side their friend. Our Nursery School Director Martha Mack said “The gift that Max gave to us was learning how to accept people with disabilities and to realize that by doing that we gain as much as they do.” Sheri Rose and Seth Rubin in appreciation to our congregation engaged a professional filmmaker who produced a ten minute film “Saying Yes: The Story of Max Rubin” which has received national recognition. Congregation Neve Shalom was unwilling to conclude “It is what it is.” We worked hard to stretch to “It will be what it ought to be.” Now Max is five and is a student in our religious school.

Let’s banish the phrase, “It is what it is,” let’s banish, that way of thinking from our daily lives. That mindset undermines our collective life. More importantly, it undermines our interpersonal lives. It certainly is not the theme of our Mahzor for the next twenty-six hours. “It will be what it ought to be” – That is the spiritual goal for which we strive at this sacred day.