Sermon: YK - “This Age of Apology”

Metuchen 5771/2010

Rabbi Gerald L. Zelizer

 

          This has been the year of public apologies. They have come in different flavors and gradations from serious to the token. Let’s start with the serious. Richard S. Fuld former chairman and chief exec of Lehman Brothers on the financial meltdown: “I take full responsibility for the decisions that I made and for the actions that I took. I feel horrible about what has happened to the company and its effects on so many – my colleagues, my shareholders, my creditors and my clients.” And lets don’t forget the tearful and complete apology from Umpire Jim Joyce to Armando Galarraga which deprived Gallaraga of the rare perfect game in baseball. A little less apologetic. Allan Greenspan “I was right 70% of the time, but I was wrong 30% of the time.”

          Aside from the financial debacle, we heard other personal apologies. There was Governor Mark Sanford, a sort of rambling, confessional apology that leaves you worse off than before. Or the apology of Rep. Joe Barton for apologizing to the BP chairman. All of this a long way from the concept of American manhood espoused by John Wayne who said “Never apologize and never explain – it’s a sign of weakness.”

          After all these public apologies we may all feel like that cartoon in the New Yorker last year. A woman is standing over her shoulder drooped husband saying “I don’t want your apology. I want you to be sorry.”

          And ours is the same society that not too long ago invented a way of apologizing while simultaneously delivering the blame back to the injured party: “I am sorry you feel that way,” we say. Some people even turn indignant if their wrong-doing is ever mentioned afterward “I said I was sorry – what more can I do?” they complain. Plenty more according to the Jewish religious tradition of Yom Kippur. There’s a lot more spelled out in the Mishnah of Yoma (8:9 “Averot Sheban Adam L’makom, Yom Kipurim Mechaper” “Yom Kippur atones for sins between a person and God” – “Yom Kippur does not really atone for sins with another person until “Sheyerazeh Et Havero” a person has placated his friend.”

The truth of the matter is that I have always been skeptical of the Jewish tradition telling us to ask people for their forgiveness prior to Yom Kippur. I have been skeptical because that ritual, like all rituals, risks becoming an empty gesture which can be repeated next year if it doesn’t work this year. It risks becoming a kind of holy escape clause which we can all use and continue with our behavior. But I have changed my mind. I now think that it is a useful ritual because importantly it presents us with a deadline to really consider if and how and when we apologize to those, especially those we most love, who we may have really hurt to their core this year.

In that vein, let me tell you two anecdotes, each very different, of apologies which occurred in my years here. I’ll use actual examples in which I was involved but which are outside the actual membership of this synagogue, so as not to break any confidentiality. But the two examples are typical enough that perhaps some in this room may recognize similarities to their own lives.

          Anecdote number 1: Two siblings did not get along from their very young days through their middle years. This animosity prevailed in spite of the fact that they lived but a few miles apart. When their parents were younger, they regularly tried to intercede and mediate the animosity between their children – but were unsuccessful. As the parents themselves aged the siblings anger towards each other intensified. Each one tried to ally the parents with himself. The siblings were unsuccessful because the parents loved both children. We have all heard of the sins of the parents visited on children. This was the opposite – it was the sins of the children visited on the parents. There was never reconciliation or apology. Eventually the parents died. Too late for apologies. The end. The parents went to their graves with broken hearts.

          Second anecdote. Some years ago, an acquaintance I’ll call Rory went through a particularly contentious divorce in which he felt victimized by his ex-wife. For many years Rory felt so bitter toward her that he refused to take her calls and returned her letters unopened. He continued to hold on to bitterness over what he perceived to be her greed in the settlement. Up to this point, a regrettably familiar scenario. With the passage of time, enough of the resentment faded for Rory to finally open a letter from his ex-wife. He was surprised to see that it was a letter of apology. It said: “Rory, I’m sorry about the way I treated you in the divorce. I know you did your very best during our marriage and I honor that part of you. I continue to feel remorse that we couldn’t figure out how to make the marriage work. I now see the fault was mine, too. I have some good memories from the time we were together and I never want to forget that I once loved you with all my heart. I think we made the right decision to end the marriage. I know I could have been more understanding and more generous than I was, and for those failures I apologize. I wish you only the best and hope that we can be in each other’s lives for the sake of what we once created.”

          So what of our apologies, or better yet, our really feeling sorry?

In researching this sermon I read a wonderful book called “Effective Apology, Mending Fences, Building Bridges and Restoring Trust” by a writer called John Kador. Kador outlines the concrete steps and components of a real authentic and effective apology. Let me tell you a little bit about them and maybe it will help your life. It also occurs to me that his steps towards another person reflect nearly the same steps that constitute apology to God which are outlined by the great Maimonides. The five steps to apology with someone you love or admire are: a. recognition, b. responsibility, c. remorse, d. restitution, and e. what Kador calls repetition. Let’s talk a little about each one as it applies to our lives.

          What is recognition? Recognition is acknowledging the offense. I was a jerk in the way I acted. I talked to you in a way that I shouldn’t have. It’s the kind of first step that we see in our Mahzor when on Yom Kippur the offenses of the Al Chet and Ashamnu first find their ways to the printed page. Simple enough. The next step which Kador outlines is responsibility. That is taking full responsibility for your role in what happened. One of the clearest statements of responsibility I have read was that of a sports figure, a football player named Steve Smith who hurt a team mate in a practice and accepted responsibility in the manner that he spoke to his teammates: “I will not put myself into a position where I will have to defend myself, to state my side of the story. There is no side. There is only one side, which is a lack of judgment on my part. That’s really all I have to say. I have no excuse. All I have is the opportunity to gain the respect of my fans, my family, etc.” That kind of clear responsibility is quite different from say Robert Rubin, former chairman of City Group, who when referring to the financial crisis said “We all bear responsibility for not recognizing this, and I deeply regret that.” Rubin blamed at least a dozen forces – from trade imbalances to a surge in the use of complex derivatives. How different the acceptance of responsibility by Steve Smith or Robert Rubin? When you apologize to someone who you have deeply hurt do you more resemble Smith or Rubin? Maybe you are not the one to answer that question. Maybe it’s best to ask the one whom you hurt so deeply?.

          Kador calls step number three remorse. I prefer the Hebrew term for remorse. In Hebrew remorse is called “Harata.” It comes from the same word “Harat” as “etched or scratched”. Real remorse in an apology means that you feel you have been engraved, scratched, wounded in your flesh for what you have done. “Harata” is stronger than guilt or regret. “Harata” is shame which penetrates the deepest recesses of your being. In the financial debacle of last year, the closest statement to that deep “Harata” that I have read was by James Cayne former chairman of Bear Stearns. Mr. Cayne is quoted to have said “I have no anger only regret. Fourteen-thousand families were affected. I personally apologize. I feel an enormous amount of pain. I didn’t stop it.” Is your apology “Harata” the deepest remorse so that a part of your being is scratched out and carved away?

The fourth component of apology according to Kador is restitution. You have recognized what you did wrong, acknowledged the impact on the person to whom you did the wrong, and said you are sorry. But now the person wants to hear what you are going to do about it. What action will you take to restore trust? Restitution means not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less often. It is kind of a human acting out of what the Hazzan does tomorrow in the Musaf service when he prostrates himself to the floor. What is the symbolism? That he is so defective that the Almighty can walk all over him, so to speak. Maimonides adds that Teshuvah Gemurah will never come until a person is faced with the same example of sinning again but does not do it. With most cases where we have hurt someone we get that chance.

But alas says Maimonides there are some instances where we will not have that opportunity and therefore our apologies are impossible. For example, someone who “Holek Im Haganav” cavorts with a thief, because it is impossible to know exactly from whom the thief stole, so it is impossible to apologize directly to the victim. Might that apply to serious financial crisis involving intermediaries that we have seen in the last decade? Or – says Maimonides “One who “Hamotze Avadah V’eno Machriz Aleha Ad Sheyahzira L’Baalav” finds a lost object but does not announce it so that the owner can come forth. Or one who eats the food of “Animyim, Yetomim V’Almanot” “the poor, widows, or orphans” – who knows exactly for whom that food was intended?

          Tonight and tomorrow as we beat our chests, think about the sharp rebuke you aimed at a loved one when empathy was called for. Think of the times when you withheld praise from others because you were jealous of their accomplishments. Think of the harsh criticism which you heaped upon your children or your spouse, or your employees, not because they were so awful, but because you wanted to prove who was the boss. Think about the times you spread gossip about a friend, co-worker, or a fellow congregant, only to find out that the gossip wasn’t true. Did you call up every person who you told to tell them that you were wrong? Even if the reports were true, did you realize that you were still wrong because it was none of your business and you caused further harm? Do you spend more time shooting people down, or lifting them up? Do you specialize at verbally assaulting others or supporting them? Only you can answer that question for only you know for sure. And realize, as someone said, apology to another is the best way you can have the last word.

          And lastly, there are apologies without words. There are actions/deeds which imply apologies. They can be subtle or quite dramatic. One dramatic example from the news of this past year. Maybe you have heard of the vicious anti-Semitic German movie of 1940 “Jew Suss”. It was produced under the aegis of Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels. Its producer was Veit Harlan. The film is a full scale historical drama set in the 18th century. “Jew Suss” is the story of a Jew who passes himself off as a Christian while, enslaving the citizens with high taxes, and forcing himself upon a beautiful married Christian woman. The film was required viewing for the SS. It was seen by some twenty-million German movie goers and another twenty-million throughout the rest of Europe. Today it is one of the few Nazi era films that still cannot legally be shown in Germany.

          Recently in this country there was a documentary “Harlan – In the Shadow of Jew Suss.” It chronicles the history of Harlan’s film and its affect on his extended family through the years. The focus of the Documentary is on Harlan’s children and grandchildren. Veit Harlan was the only artist from the Nazi era to be charged with war crimes. He never publicly apologized or expressed remorse for having made “Jew Suss.” The director Veit Harlan had multiple children from various wives. Some of the children are lenient towards their father’s legacy. But one child, Susan Korber, married a Jewish photographer, and she committed suicide in 1989. Susan Korber had converted to Judaism after marrying a Jew whose parents perished in the Holocaust. The documentary includes footage of Susan Korber’s own daughter, Jessica Jacoby (Veit Harlan’s granddaughter), trying to reconcile a horrible truth, she says: “that one of my grandfathers was complicit in the death of the other.” She posits that her mother’s suicide was an action which implied anger, regret, and apology.

In closing, I want to conclude with a prayer which is included in the newly published Mahzor of the RA. It reads “I hearby forgive all who have hurt me, …whether deliberately or by accident, whether by word or by deed. May no one be punished on my account. As I forgive and pardon fully those who have done me wrong, may those whom I have harmed by word or by deed forgive and pardon me, whether I acted deliberately or by accident. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you my rock and my redeemer.”